


a lightning in your eyes (i can't deny)

by amemorymaze



Series: last hope [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Insecurity, Louis-centric, M/M, Not AU, and it gives me a lot of feelings, and makes me wonder how exactly they got to the point where they wrote it, because ready to run is a thing, illusions to coming out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 14:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amemorymaze/pseuds/amemorymaze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Louis had lifted an arm, reaching out to brush his fingers against Harry’s cheekbone.</i>
</p><p>  <i>Harry had just hummed in content and then murmured; “I want to come out.”</i></p><p><i>Louis’ heart almost stopped in his chest and his eyes grew wide. The shock stunning him for a moment as the words register in his mind. And he knew, he </i>knew<i>, that this was something they should talk about – that they should make a decision on together – but anxiety was crawling up his throat and he felt his hands start to shake.</i><br/><i></i></p><p> </p><p>  <i><br/><i>(or, harry wants to come out and louis doesn't know how to. it's just the beginning.)</i><br/></i><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	a lightning in your eyes (i can't deny)

_inside a sinking boat running out of time_

 

Sometimes Louis finds it hard to catch his breath; can’t find a way to sooth the way his chest is burning from a lack of oxygen.

It’s like everything is moving at full speed and every day is passing with barely a thought (barely a breath). It’s show after show and non-stop travelling, little sleep and recording in the dead of night until the sun comes up once again.

Louis loves it, he loves being on the bus and sleeping in hotel rooms with Harry pressed up against him as they share one of the singles in their room. He loves being able to tangle himself in Harry’s warmth and watch the way he sleepily blinks himself awake. His drowsy eyes and tired smiles somehow always managing to brighten up his day.

But sometimes, even now, it feels like he’s suffocating. He’s being pulled in every direction, doing this and that as he tries to keep everyone (his boys) happy. There are voices in his head all the goddamn time telling him what to do and how to act. Under the scrutiny of camera’s everywhere, he can’t afford to fall short. He can’t let the team down.

So Louis tries to breathe through his tightening throat and get through it because he loves his job; he does! He loves being up the stage and being who he is. He loves being able to scream and sing at the top of his lungs to a raging crowd. It’s what he lives for.

But there are times like this – where they’re constantly in front of cameras and performing on TV shows that he’ll never have the time to watch. They’re answering the same questions over and over again and Louis can feel himself being stretched too much. He feels himself being pulled much too far and he knows – they all know – that there will reach a point where he snaps. Like an elastic band he will just fly apart and hurt everything (everyone) in his vicinity.

He’s not a ticking time bomb and he won’t suddenly explode. But when he snaps – it hurts.

+

It’s in a hotel in Brussels that it goes up in flames – when that spark finally catches and everything ignites. It’s going onto that stage with heavy hearts and shaking hands.

It’s letting their emotions come out in song and out to the entire world.

It’s Zayn standing in the doorway to the hotel room and Niall sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. It’s Liam standing next to Louis as Harry shouts and yells.

Harry doesn’t do _angry,_ he goes quiet and shuts the world out, ignores the problem until it’s resolved. He sits in the corner with his dark, brooding eyes unfocused and his arms crossed. He doesn’t shout.

So to see him like this with a fire burning behind his blazing green eyes is scary. It terrifies them all to see Harry so angry, to see the way his hands are shaking as he runs his fingers through his hair in annoyance. It scares them because of what it means.

It means that it’s something big and something that could rip them apart.

“I can’t –” Harry says, his voice shaky, “I can’t take this anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” Louis says, his eyes wide as watches Harry move towards the door and he goes to take a step forward but stops himself; “The band?”

“Not the band, Louis,” Harry says, hurt lacing it’s way through his voice and Louis feels the tears prickling in his eyes.

But then he’s gone, brushing his way past Zayn on the way out and the boys watch with bated breath.

Louis knows that he should be chasing after Harry, running down the corridor and grabbing his arm with wide eyes, breathlessly trying to explain himself, and he almost goes. But then he realises that he doesn’t have an explanation – he doesn’t know what he would say.

“Mate,” Liam starts, stepping forwards, “What was that?”

Louis draws in a deep, shaky breath; “It was – it, I – I fucked up, oh god, I don’t know what to do.”

+

Louis has always been that person who doesn’t know where the line is – always situating himself just before or after it.

What he didn’t realise was that that line with Harry was oh so thin. He didn’t realise how close he was to snapping it and to breaking everything. Pulling it all apart with a simple sentence – a select choice of words.

Because everything was okay and everything was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

+

The worst thing, he thinks as he sits on his bed with red raw eyes from crying, is the thought of never being with Harry again. It’s the thought that he might never see the way Harry looks in the light of the early morning sunrise or the way he looks just after Louis kisses him. That small smile that spreads across his lips before he pulls Louis back towards him.

And it’s those thoughts that prompt him; that push him to stutter the words from his lips with bated breath and fear coursing through his veins; “I’m in love with Harry.”

There’s a beat of silence before there’s a soft ‘ _oh_ ,’ escaping Liam’s lips and he’s being pulled into a bone-crushing hug from the three boys.

But then they’re pulling away and he can sense the questions on their lips; the hows and whys and whats. He can’t answer their questions, not just yet. So he gives a subtle shake of his head that only Liam catches.

“You should,” Louis starts, breathing through his hiccups; “Go check on Harry, please.”

Zayn and Niall look torn – not knowing what to do – but Louis waves a hand in their direction and Liam shrugs his shoulders before they’re out of the room.

Liam sits down next to Louis on the bed, who has his head in his hands and his shoulders are still shaking.

“Lou…” Liam begins, gently placing a hand on Louis’ shoulder. Louis leans into the touch, the warmth from Liam’s hand seeping through his shirt. “What happened?”

Louis lays back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling as he takes a deep, shuddering breath; “He wants to come out – wants _us_ to come out.”

Liam lays down next to him. “And you don’t?”

Huffing out a laugh, Louis speaks; “Of course I do! Fuck – I want nothing else. I want to be able to hold his hand in public. I want to be able to kiss him wherever and whenever. I want the world to know all the songs I write are about him. I want to shout it all from the fucking rooftops with a megaphone in my hand but I _can’t,_ Li.

“It’ll _ruin_ us. We’ve worked too hard for this – we’ve worked so bloody hard to get where we are and I can’t let you down. And it’s not – it’s not like we’d be allowed anyway. They wouldn’t let us. If I can’t even act flamboyant on stage or even sit next to Harry anymore, what do you think they’d do if they knew?!

“They’d just pull our relationship apart, piece-by-piece, until it’s nothing. I already have a fucking beard and they don’t even know I’m gay – I don’t…” Louis takes a deep breath and turns his watery gaze to Liam. “I can’t do this either, Liam.”

And his eyes grow wide at his words but start to glisten again as he realises how true it is. “Fuck,” is all he says, before Liam’s pulling him against his chest and lets him cry his heart out.

 

_a devil in your smile chasing me (it’s only gaining speed)_

 

“You weren’t shocked,” is the first thing Louis says when Niall picks up the phone; “None of you even batted an eyelash.”

A laugh is pulled from Niall’s lips and Louis can’t help but smile at the contagious sound. He can picture the exactly way Niall’s face looks – his scrunched up eyes and his head thrown back slightly as the booming laughter rattles his bones and spreads a warmth of familiarity through his bones. “You thought you were subtle? We had bets!”

“Oh,” Louis says, watching the road intently as he drives up the motorway.

The mood changes suddenly and Louis feels too hot and too cold at the same time, but Niall is speaking again before he can change the topic. “How – uh – how is that, anyway? Did you talk?”

Louis shrugs before realising Niall can’t see, “He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Lou…” Niall begins.

“Look, I’m on my way to Donny, I just – I need a break, okay?” Louis says, his grip tightening on his steering wheel, “I need to talk to mum.”

“Pretty sure she already knows,” Niall says, his voice soft.

“I know,” Louis says, trying to calm his shaking hands, “But I want her to hear it from me.”

He hears a sigh over the phone line; “Okay.”

“I’ll be back soon enough, Nialler. You’ll barely have time to even miss me.”

There’s a gentle laugh from the other end of the line and Louis smiles sadly at the road ahead. “Love ya, Tommo.”

“Love you.” The line cuts dead just as Louis takes the turning off of the motorway and he tries to ignore the drumming of his heartbeat and his sweat slick hands shaking on the wheel.

+

Louis can pinpoint the exact moment everything started to fall apart.

He remembers rolling onto his back with a blinding smile on his face as he relaxes into the duvet around him; the stench of sex in the air and covered in sweat.

He remembers tilting his head to the side to catch sight of the boy laying next to him on the bed and he remembers the way his breath hitched in his throat at the sight.

The late-morning light filtering through the translucent drapes and landing on Harry in such a way that he had been glowing. His skin was vibrant and shining and his eyes were closed, his eyelashes shadowed on his cheeks.

His kiss bitten lips hanging apart as he had drawn in harsh breaths from exertion. His dark hair was curling against his forehead and messed up beyond belief from the way Louis had grasped at it, tugging and pulling.

There’s the faint blooming of a bruise, flowering on his collar – just low enough to be hidden.

Louis had lifted an arm, reaching out to brush his fingers against Harry’s cheekbone.

Harry had just hummed in content and then murmured; “I want to come out.”

Louis’ heart almost stopped in his chest and his eyes grew wide. The shock stunning him for a moment as the words register in his mind. And he knew, _he knew,_ that this was something they should talk about – that they should make a decision on together – but anxiety was crawling up his throat and he felt his hands start to shake.

“What?” He managed to choke out.

Harry opened his eyes and turned around to face Louis, “I want to come out. I’m done pretending, Lou. I feel like I’m lying and this secret is just – it’s so _big_.”

“Harry,” Louis says, his voice shaky; “I _can’t._ ”

And now, as he sits in his old childhood home; his head resting on his mum’s shoulder and a cuppa in his hand, he remembers the way Harry had flinched and his eyes had grown wide, confusion clouding his vision.

“I’m gay,” Louis blurts out and Jay barely flinches. She just takes the tea from Louis’ fingers and sets it down on the coffee table before wrapping her arms around her son.

“I figured,” she says at the same time that Louis says; “But you already knew, right?”

He sighs and tries to ignore the tightening of his chest and relaxes into his mother’s arms. “Me and Harry – we, uh, we’re together? Well, I guess. He’s kind of angry with me right now, and – fuck, mum. I don’t know how I’m supposed to fix this anymore.”

“Oh, darling,” she says, “what happened?”

“I don’t – he wants to come out. He wants _us_ to come out but I can’t. I – I’m not like him, mum. I’m not – ” Louis pauses and tries to take a deep breath, he can feel the tears prickling at his eyes and he wonders if this is the most he’s cried in years. “I’m not ready for that and I want to be – I want to be okay with it all, but I’m not.”

“Have you told Harry this?”

Louis shrugs, “I tried, but he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand, mum.”

“Give him time, Boobear,” she says, holding her boy close, “You’ll figure it out. And we’re all here for you as you do, okay?”

Louis nods as he soaks in the comfort of _home_ , snuggled up next to his mum and breathes.

+

It’s 7am when Liam calls; Louis’ tucked up in his old bedroom wide-awake as his phone rings. The sound blaring out into the silent house and Louis answers it immediately.

“’lo?” He mumbles, fatigue lacing his voice.

“Niall said you’ve gone home?” Liam says.

“Yeah,” Louis sighs, “Wanted to talk to mum, y’know?”

“Oh,” Liam says, “Did you – uh – tell her?”

“Yeah, I did,” Louis replies, “Yeah.”

“And?”

“She already knew,” Louis says, a harsh laugh breaking from his lips; “Everyone fucking knows.”

“Lou…”

“No, it’s true, right?” Liam stays silent and that’s all the confirmation Louis needs. “It scares the _shit_ out of me, Li. I though – I thought it was a secret and that was okay, you know? It was _ours_ but apparently everyone knows already and that just… It makes me feels so out of control and I hate it. I hate this. I know it’s fucking stupid but I can’t help it.”

“I know it does,” Liam says softly, “I know.”

And Louis stutters out a breath because that’s all he’s wanted to hear – since that morning, since this whole thing started, he’s just wanted someone to understand.

“Have you spoken to him?”

“Yeah, uh, I was with him yesterday,” Liam says somewhat nervously, but before Louis can respond, Liam starts talking again; “Come home, Lou. Please.”

“I – ” Louis starts, “Give me a few days, okay?”

Louis hears Liam let out a breath of air through the line, “Alright, Tommo. Call me if you need anything?”

“You know I will,” Louis says, “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Liam says, there’s a slight pause before; “I love you, Louis. He does too.”

“I know. I do. I love you, too.”

After the line goes dead he lies in his bed for a few minutes before rubbing a hand over his eyes and rolling out of bed.

 

_no way to change the rolling tide_

 

When he gets back home to London it’s to an empty house. There’s a cold chill in the air as he dumps his bags by the door and toes his shoes off.

He’s barely there for a minute, standing in his empty kitchen his feet growing cold on the hard, tiled floor, before he’s grabbing his phone from his back pocket.

 _My house is cold. Come over?_ He texts, then pauses for a second before shooting off another; _Got any weed?_

+

The world is a smoky haze around him as he lounges on his living room carpet – Zayn is sprawled across his legs. Everything is moving in slow motion and Louis loves this feeling; forgetting everything but this moment.

Louis closes his eyes and just lets the calmness take over his body. And this is why he loves Zayn because he doesn’t push – doesn’t ask questions. But he’s there, always there when Louis needs him most. There to keep him grounded even by just sitting by his side because he knows that Louis will talk when he wants to – when he’s ready.

So they just lie there with the lights off as the sun sets outside and shadows move on the walls – the room gradually getting darker as the smoke in the air begins to fade and whisper away.

“He hates me,” Louis says.

Zayn tilts his head up towards Louis so he can see him and gives him an incredulous look; “I don’t think that’s possible, bro.”

“I know,” Louis sighs; “I don’t know what to do. I thought – I don’t know, I’m being stupid.”

“No, you’re not,” Zayn says sitting up next to Louis, “If it’s bothering you it’s not stupid.”

Louis shrugs, “I just – I thought that maybe going home and seeing mum and _telling her_ would help. I thought that seeing the girls and being home would stop me from feeling like this. But it didn’t, Zayn. It didn’t help one bit and I still don’t know what to do.”

“How _are_ you feeling?” Zayn asks softly.

“Like I can’t breathe,” Louis replies, “Everytime I think about _it,_ I just – it scares me, Zayn. It scares me so much and he doesn’t get that. He’s so confident in himself and he’s so fucking proud of who he is, but me? How am I supposed to come out to the entire bloody world when I can barely come out to my best mates?”

“But you did,” Zayn says, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder, “You told us and the world didn’t implode and you’re still here and _we’re_ still here. Just like we will always be.”

“What would I do without you, Malik?” Louis tries to joke, but Zayn just shoots him a withering glance.

“Smoke a lot less weed, probably.”

Louis laughs and that makes Zayn smile because it’s the first real sign of life he’s seen in Louis all night; “Probably true, I’d have to find a different smoking partner.”

Zayn just laughs and Louis leans into his body, where the two of them stay until they drift off into a light sleep.

 

_i know that i’ll be fine_

 

It’s late when he finally musters up the courage to pick up the phone and he almost doesn’t – almost convinces himself to do it tomorrow. But he knows that if he doesn’t do it now he never will so he just takes a deep breath before pressing the call button.

It barely rings before the call is being answered; “Lou?”

Despite the tightening of his chest and the way his breath becomes laboured, Louis feels himself smiling at the nickname; “Hey, Haz.”

There’s a moment of silence between them – neither really knowing what to say and that shocks Louis because that has never been them. Even when they’re fighting, they always have something to say. There’s never an awkward silence between them and now, over the phone line, the tension is thick in the air and Louis suddenly finds it hard to breathe.

“Can – can we meet?” He asks, slowly and cautiously.

“Oh, um…” Harry says and Louis can sense the nervousness in his voice; “I’m actually in LA.”

Louis feels all the breath leave his lungs like a kick to the stomach and it _hurts._ “Oh,” he manages to say. “Okay, then.”

“Lou…” Harry begins, but then his sentence falls short and the awkward silence returns.

“Don’t worry about it, H,” Louis says, his voice strained with false cheer and he knows that Harry knows it’s all fake; “I’ll see you when you’re back, I guess.”

He doesn’t even let Harry reply before he’s pulling the phone away from his ear and hanging up. He drops his phone on the floor before laying back down on the sofa and under the duvet he had dragged down the stairs earlier that day and scrunches his eyes shut.

Because maybe now he can pretend that his life isn’t falling down all around him.

(It doesn’t work.)

+

It’s not until he looks at his phone the next morning, after munching on burnt toast that he forces himself to eat that he sees the text.

_I love you, Lou._

And he doesn’t even think – doesn’t pause before he types out the reply and presses send without a second thought; _I love you, too._

**Author's Note:**

> [follow me on tumblr!](http://www.amemorymaze.tumblr.com)


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